The Spork of Oberon

The Spork of Oberon

The Spoooooorrrrrrrrk

*Hold fast to thine heinies, ye frail fancy folk! For this yarn were spun by none other than Piknik the Bold, High Wizard of the Order of Unlikely, Slayer of the Solar Snail of the thrice-annexed ghost marshes, and keeper of the secretest of secrets, a secret so secret not even a fellow as wise and wonderful as Piknik the Bold can know it! (That guy can't keep anything to himself)*

Twas long ago in the Forest of Avalon when King Overlong and Tatiana werest wed, and of course the royal lovers didst make with much spungilious merriment and boogying. A great feast was prepared in honor of their divine nuptials, and the strange and silly folks who attended (both invited and otherwise) were showered in delightful cakes and crumpets and all manner of tasty treats! In fact, Lord Ubersong himself was chowing down on a delightful stew made with beef tips and carrots and, unfortunately, a handful of radishes (sneaky little monsters...), but alas his joy and merriment were to be cut short! For when he moved to take up his beef tips with his spoon, the meat proved too slippery, and plopped back into the broth! In his hanger, Evergong threw over the tables, and ran about the hall smashing pots and barrels, and demanded his most trusted blacksmith be brought forth. As Blorghi the One Eye'd (a mad half-troll from a lovely little swamp up north. I'm reasonably sure he's my great aunt. Don't ask.) stepped forth, the fair King demanded he craft him a utensil that could hold both broth and meat, simultaneously! Blorghi nodded grimly and retreated to his workshop, and after days of drafting and planning, he crafted IT! Carved from the antler of a wild stag, preserved in a layer of amber, fired and hardened in Blorghi's kiln and finally sprinkled with a pinch of glitter (vital), the mystic Spork was presented to the young King. They say Groberon still keeps the Spork amongst his personal cutlery at his place at the head of his great table, amidst the largest and most shimmery mead hall, in case his chefs ever deign to make the tricksy beef stew again (all chefs involved in Blorgon's wedding feast were fired, beaten, mocked in public, beheaded and finally stabbed).

Attributes:

You can use it to eat soup! AND gafelka fish! What is this beauteous absurdity?!?!?!

Stats:

While King What's-His-Chunks isn't too keen on sharing the spork, if you were to get your mits on it you could probably poke someone in the tuckus with it for 1d6 damage.

Also, while it has never been tested in the field, I'm reasonably sure the spork can be used to open a portal to the Twice Forgotten Squishy Realms and summon a Pernicious Flicker-Whistler: a rotundous and flippery beast with the head of an elephant, the eyes of a spider, the beak of a rock hopper penguin, the body of a giraffe, and a series of tentacles of various lengths where its legs should be. This beast is incredibly powerful and well versed in the forgotten Arcane Arts of Shallacky the Soup Mage, and armed as such it would be more than capable of sending our world careening towards oblivion in its tentacular fury. Don't quote me on that though.